a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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