I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
