I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
