Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
