nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
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