Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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