Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
