so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
