addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Randomize
