my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
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