end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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