How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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