I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
