just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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