i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
