Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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