Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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