He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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