the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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