having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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