Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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