Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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