I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
