2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
