everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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