His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
