I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
