Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
