You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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