My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
