what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
