haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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