I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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