My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Randomize
