What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
