Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
