you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
