I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
