Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
please come you make the beer taste better
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
