Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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