Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
We need to feng shui this bitch.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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