I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I still have a little drunk in my system
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
