I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
