so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
