I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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