Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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