You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
