I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
3 2 1 whiskey
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
