The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
you traded sex for a burrito?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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