I just pynch a tree in the face
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
