I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Randomize
