It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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